撰寫留學申請個人陳述時的常見誤區

本篇文章是Daily Inch"文書一姐"鳥姐的知乎首答，原問題是“撰寫留學申請的個人陳述 （PS, personal statement）時有哪些常見的誤區？
下面是回答正文：

本科人大，2015年自己DIY申請到了芝大碩士，半獎，外加住宿獎學金。可是2014年的我被某中介坑到沒有學上，無奈只好Gap一年。這事自然怨不得別人，說到底只能怪自己不上心。這一年間，我的學分績沒有變，托福和GRE因為夠用沒有重新考，唯一變的是我把中介代筆的文書都推倒重寫，包括個人陳述，簡歷，推薦信還有對于文科申請非常關鍵的writing sample, 因此才有了比較好的結果。此番陳述目的無他，只是想說文書對于申請真的非常非常重要！

自此以后，身邊很多朋友還有師弟師妹都找到我幫忙修改文書。我因為確實摸出了一些門道，尤其是在personal statement 的寫作上總結了很多方法，對類似的請求也就樂此不疲，來者不拒，也十分醉心于分享我的開頭六鉤，主體七骨，和結尾大法（名字糙了一點，內容是好的，哈哈哈）。

在這篇回答中，我總結了四個誤區。

• 炫技裝X，不說人話
• 只擺事實，不講道理
• 線性敘事，單細胞邏輯
• Baby language，小學生作文

(我這個打油詩人按捺不住的才情噴涌而出)

文章后面我還會輔之以一篇PS修改前后的深度分析，希望可以幫到大家。

我們先來看一下這四個誤區具體指的是什么。

炫技裝X，不說人話（此段為反面案例，請勿模仿）

”My tongue was tied by a cultural chasm, a stubborn awareness that I was different. No longer the confident high school student that dared to debate with my teachers back in China, I found myself drifting in an environment populated by languages, cultures, and academic mindsets totally different from mine.“我從朋友那里看到這篇PS開頭的時候是崩潰的，據說是某位同學從中介處要來申請到了劍橋的樣稿。就文段本身來講，可以說是槽點滿滿。這就是典型的不說人話。看完以后一臉懵逼，拜托作者，你到底想說啥能不能給個痛快話！你的舌頭was tied by 啥？還有一堆奇怪的分句，從句，竟然還有同位語亂入—a stubborn awareness –哈？固執的覺悟？為什么有一種看到了外國人的漢字紋身的感覺！

寫好PS不一定要用多么高級的句式和詞匯，表達也不用多么標新立異。語言務簡潔務準確，要知道語言是工具，應該為思想和內容服務！沒有思想的語言就是沒有感情的殺手。動筆之前，請先想好你到底要表達什么。

只擺事實，不講道理

“I studied A…I accomplished B…I authored C…I interned in D…But…So What!?”

千萬不要讓自己的PS變成了加長版的CV。在PS上簡單得堆砌自己過往的經歷，就像是在婚禮上面播放新聞聯播，無聊至極。關于你的過往種種，簡歷上面已經寫得很清楚了，就不要再浪費了PS寶貴的篇幅去說一樣的內容了。那PS該寫什么，怎么寫？PS的素材要少而精，有代表性，PS是你的高光時刻，請展示一個特別的你！不要簡單得描述了經歷就戛然而止，而是要落腳到自己的特質、成長和變化。

線性敘事，單細胞邏輯

“In freshman year, …In sophomore year,…..Later,…..”

這個世界上除了順敘時間線，還有很多很多敘事的方法和邏輯。既然今天要去電影節走紅毯了，咱能不能就別騎自行車了。PS可以說是申請文書中最關鍵的材料了，千萬不要表現得跟單細胞生物一樣。用點心構思一下PS的排篇布局，其實并沒有那么難。開頭的方法就至少有：個人事跡法/引用法/分析法/場景重現法/設問法/門見山法。主體段落我現在隨口就能說出：經歷版塊法/興趣發展法/職業導向法/動機分析法/能力建設法等等等，還有很多。這些方法從字面上理解已經能猜個八九不離十了，如果有興趣的朋友，我們可以私聊溝通。

Baby language，小學生作文（此處為反面案例，請勿模仿）

Since I was a kid, my parents (who both work for newspapers) taught me to communicate with the world through my words and pictures. So I have always been interested in photography and writing.PS有兩大baby language,一個是”since I was a kid”,另一個是“I have always been interested in”。很不幸的是，這個文段兩個都占全了。PS代表著申請者的語言水平和思維水平。聽到baby的囈語就會猜想這個說話人就是個baby吧。總而言之，寫PS的時候要像個成年人一樣去思考和表達。

接下來給大家分享一個真實PS。

（此處為反面案例，請勿模仿）

這篇PS是用來申請數據分析專業的，問題很多。作者開頭從喜歡科幻片入手，中間穿插了一段很尷尬的“分不清是電影還是未來”的迷之思考，最后硬著陸在了大數據和人工智能上。這個素材選擇得很不理想，大談仿生機器人可能有點太曲線救國了，畢竟這位同學申請的是數據科學。文章的主體段落部分包含了作者本科第一學年的編程學習，第二學年的一個課堂案例學習，大三的大創項目，創業設計，還有一段無處安放的交換經歷。隨后，用兩句話思考了數據科學和人類幸福的關系，然后畫風一轉落腳到自己的APP開發經驗，總結道面對bug要耐心。素材的選擇太多太雜，對過去經歷的反思和總結太少，堆砌感太強。

結尾一小段糅合了相關課程，學習目標，職業規劃，還有why school why program。內容太多太亂，又都是蜻蜓點水式地草草收筆，對項目的認識和表態也缺乏誠意。

本篇PS的文章結構非常簡單粗暴，基本是按照時間線來排列。經歷的排布也沒有邏輯，不同的經歷混雜在一起，段落內部缺乏中心思想，段落之間的邏輯和聯系也不明顯。語言水平就不多說了……

針對以上問題，在跟同學深度溝通后，我對這篇PS進行了“整容式“修改，上文章！

As everyone can agree, big data has taken the business world, but only 0.4% of data have been analyzed, according to a report released by IDC. This simple fact shows the tremendous potential and great possibility in the realm of data analysis. Big data is a revolution in the information age. It can be applied to many fields, like medical care and education, to make our world better. Holding a strong belief in big data’s formative power in the future, I am applying for the MSc programme of Scientific Computing and Data Analysis at Durham University.? Given my solid academic training and related practical experience, I am confident that I will learn and thrive in pursuing a master’s degree.

修改思路：以數據行業的一個基本事實作為開篇，體現申請者的閱讀廣度，結合作者原本放在文章后半部的關于數據科學和人類幸福的思考，體現申請的利他思維和價值觀。點出相關背景，直接清晰得陳述申請訴求。

I embarked on my undergraduate studies at the XXXXX Institute of XXXX University with a focus on Business Intelligence. The course, Database Applications and Principles, opened the door to the new world of data analysis for me. There was a case study that impressed me so deeply that I still vividly remember it. Diapers and beer are always put together for sale in supermarkets, because after mining and analyzing a large amount of transaction data with data mining technology, it was unexpectedly discovered that the most purchased product along with diapers was beer. I was deeply surprised and amazed by the power of big data through this small case. In order to better prepare myself to understand big data, I paid full attention to my course work, especially in computing, coding and mathematics. My hard work won me a precious opportunity to study in Taiwan as a student representative of my school. This different teaching and learning environment broadened my thinking and motivated me to explore more. A series of classes such as Big Data Management, Statistical Analysis, and Financial Data Analytics deepened my understanding of data analysis and data mining.

The reward of my studious work goes far beyond having a presentable GPA: being able to apply what I have been taught in practice gives me a great sense of accomplishment. In the year of 2016, I joined a provincial innovation and entrepreneurship program, and worked in a team on a smart home project. I was in charge of the design and development of a smart switch. I embedded a chip into a switch to give it wireless communication, power consumption sensing and environmental detection capabilities, and then developed a mobile app. Users can use this app to remotely control the switch and monitor the power consumption. The mobile app can provide user-friendly reminders and customized power optimization solutions based on intelligent analysis of power consumption data, and recommend solutions for energy-saving decisions to achieve energy-saving goals. This project has given me a taste for work that requires an innovative mindset, and has confirmed my determination to create great products which will make real differences in the future.

中間主體段落以學術背景和實踐經驗來對申請者之前散亂排布的經歷進行區分。前者體現學術興趣的來源，相關課程背景，交換經驗，于字里行間體現申請者認真努力的學習態度和習慣。后者實踐經驗包含大創和APP開發經驗，體現相關實踐背景，和學以致用的職業追求。

To achieve my objective, pursuing studies in the United Kingdom is a crucial step. I wish to possess a global perspective, and to obtain solid academic training in data science through master’s-level studies, so as to lay a solid foundation for my career as a data engineer. I have selected the MSc programme of Scientific Computing and Data Analysis at XXX University. Firstly, I believe that erudite professors will be of great help to my accumulation of knowledge. Secondly, the MSc program attaches clear importance to both data analysis and computing science. I believe that a decent foundation in computer science is a must for a professional in data analysis. Last but not least, your school enjoys a worldwide prestige with students around the world converging here to pursue professional growth. These excellent fellows are valuable resources, and to exchange ideas with them is an opportunity to treasure for a lifetime. Hence, I sincerely hope your esteemed committee can offer me this precious opportunity.

結尾段落主要圍繞自己的學習訴求，并結合項目的特點對自己的訴求進行匹配，回答why school why program的問題。 最后一段如果同學能更細致深入得挖掘學校的師資配備和在研項目的狀況，能夠更加清晰有據地說服招生委員會。

尾聲其實類似這樣的修改，我做了很多。如果有朋友覺得這樣的對比分析有幫助的話，我還可以貼出更多的修改前后的PS文章。其實在寫這篇回答的時候，有同學跟我說沒有多少人愿意了解PS是怎么寫的，因為大多數人還是傾向把寫作這件事情交給了別人代勞，一方面可能是時間緊張，留學申請有太多的環節需要照顧，另一方面可能就是畏難情緒，對自己的能力不夠自信，再一個原因可能就是懶惰了。我想說的是，學習寫好PS其實鍛煉的是終身受益的英文寫作技能。我們且不說課程論文和作業需要我們能寫會說，想在海外實習工作也是需要寫Cover Letter的，即便你回國工作，進入企業總得會寫郵件，寫英文報告，策劃等等吧。總而言之，我們不應該狹隘得看待PS寫作的價值。