撰寫留學(xué)申請(qǐng)個(gè)人陳述時(shí)的常見(jiàn)誤區(qū)

本篇文章是Daily Inch"文書一姐"鳥(niǎo)姐的知乎首答，原問(wèn)題是“撰寫留學(xué)申請(qǐng)的個(gè)人陳述 （PS, personal statement）時(shí)有哪些常見(jiàn)的誤區(qū)？
下面是回答正文：

本科人大，2015年自己DIY申請(qǐng)到了芝大碩士，半獎(jiǎng)，外加住宿獎(jiǎng)學(xué)金?？墒?014年的我被某中介坑到?jīng)]有學(xué)上，無(wú)奈只好Gap一年。這事自然怨不得別人，說(shuō)到底只能怪自己不上心。這一年間，我的學(xué)分績(jī)沒(méi)有變，托福和GRE因?yàn)閴蛴脹](méi)有重新考，唯一變的是我把中介代筆的文書都推倒重寫，包括個(gè)人陳述，簡(jiǎn)歷，推薦信還有對(duì)于文科申請(qǐng)非常關(guān)鍵的writing sample, 因此才有了比較好的結(jié)果。此番陳述目的無(wú)他，只是想說(shuō)文書對(duì)于申請(qǐng)真的非常非常重要！

自此以后，身邊很多朋友還有師弟師妹都找到我?guī)兔π薷奈臅Ｎ乙驗(yàn)榇_實(shí)摸出了一些門道，尤其是在personal statement 的寫作上總結(jié)了很多方法，對(duì)類似的請(qǐng)求也就樂(lè)此不疲，來(lái)者不拒，也十分醉心于分享我的開(kāi)頭六鉤，主體七骨，和結(jié)尾大法（名字糙了一點(diǎn)，內(nèi)容是好的，哈哈哈）。

在這篇回答中，我總結(jié)了四個(gè)誤區(qū)。

• 炫技裝X，不說(shuō)人話
• 只擺事實(shí)，不講道理
• 線性敘事，單細(xì)胞邏輯
• Baby language，小學(xué)生作文

(我這個(gè)打油詩(shī)人按捺不住的才情噴涌而出)

文章后面我還會(huì)輔之以一篇PS修改前后的深度分析，希望可以幫到大家。

我們先來(lái)看一下這四個(gè)誤區(qū)具體指的是什么。

炫技裝X，不說(shuō)人話（此段為反面案例，請(qǐng)勿模仿）

”My tongue was tied by a cultural chasm, a stubborn awareness that I was different. No longer the confident high school student that dared to debate with my teachers back in China, I found myself drifting in an environment populated by languages, cultures, and academic mindsets totally different from mine.“我從朋友那里看到這篇PS開(kāi)頭的時(shí)候是崩潰的，據(jù)說(shuō)是某位同學(xué)從中介處要來(lái)申請(qǐng)到了劍橋的樣稿。就文段本身來(lái)講，可以說(shuō)是槽點(diǎn)滿滿。這就是典型的不說(shuō)人話?？赐暌院笠荒樸卤?，拜托作者，你到底想說(shuō)啥能不能給個(gè)痛快話！你的舌頭was tied by 啥？還有一堆奇怪的分句，從句，竟然還有同位語(yǔ)亂入—a stubborn awareness –哈？固執(zhí)的覺(jué)悟？為什么有一種看到了外國(guó)人的漢字紋身的感覺(jué)！

寫好PS不一定要用多么高級(jí)的句式和詞匯，表達(dá)也不用多么標(biāo)新立異。語(yǔ)言務(wù)簡(jiǎn)潔務(wù)準(zhǔn)確，要知道語(yǔ)言是工具，應(yīng)該為思想和內(nèi)容服務(wù)！沒(méi)有思想的語(yǔ)言就是沒(méi)有感情的殺手。動(dòng)筆之前，請(qǐng)先想好你到底要表達(dá)什么。

只擺事實(shí)，不講道理

“I studied A…I accomplished B…I authored C…I interned in D…But…So What!?”

千萬(wàn)不要讓自己的PS變成了加長(zhǎng)版的CV。在PS上簡(jiǎn)單得堆砌自己過(guò)往的經(jīng)歷，就像是在婚禮上面播放新聞聯(lián)播，無(wú)聊至極。關(guān)于你的過(guò)往種種，簡(jiǎn)歷上面已經(jīng)寫得很清楚了，就不要再浪費(fèi)了PS寶貴的篇幅去說(shuō)一樣的內(nèi)容了。那PS該寫什么，怎么寫？PS的素材要少而精，有代表性，PS是你的高光時(shí)刻，請(qǐng)展示一個(gè)特別的你！不要簡(jiǎn)單得描述了經(jīng)歷就戛然而止，而是要落腳到自己的特質(zhì)、成長(zhǎng)和變化。

線性敘事，單細(xì)胞邏輯

“In freshman year, …In sophomore year,…..Later,…..”

這個(gè)世界上除了順敘時(shí)間線，還有很多很多敘事的方法和邏輯。既然今天要去電影節(jié)走紅毯了，咱能不能就別騎自行車了。PS可以說(shuō)是申請(qǐng)文書中最關(guān)鍵的材料了，千萬(wàn)不要表現(xiàn)得跟單細(xì)胞生物一樣。用點(diǎn)心構(gòu)思一下PS的排篇布局，其實(shí)并沒(méi)有那么難。開(kāi)頭的方法就至少有：個(gè)人事跡法/引用法/分析法/場(chǎng)景重現(xiàn)法/設(shè)問(wèn)法/門見(jiàn)山法。主體段落我現(xiàn)在隨口就能說(shuō)出：經(jīng)歷版塊法/興趣發(fā)展法/職業(yè)導(dǎo)向法/動(dòng)機(jī)分析法/能力建設(shè)法等等等，還有很多。這些方法從字面上理解已經(jīng)能猜個(gè)八九不離十了，如果有興趣的朋友，我們可以私聊溝通。

Baby language，小學(xué)生作文（此處為反面案例，請(qǐng)勿模仿）

Since I was a kid, my parents (who both work for newspapers) taught me to communicate with the world through my words and pictures. So I have always been interested in photography and writing.PS有兩大baby language,一個(gè)是”since I was a kid”,另一個(gè)是“I have always been interested in”。很不幸的是，這個(gè)文段兩個(gè)都占全了。PS代表著申請(qǐng)者的語(yǔ)言水平和思維水平。聽(tīng)到baby的囈語(yǔ)就會(huì)猜想這個(gè)說(shuō)話人就是個(gè)baby吧?？偠灾瑢慞S的時(shí)候要像個(gè)成年人一樣去思考和表達(dá)。

接下來(lái)給大家分享一個(gè)真實(shí)PS。

（此處為反面案例，請(qǐng)勿模仿）

這篇PS是用來(lái)申請(qǐng)數(shù)據(jù)分析專業(yè)的，問(wèn)題很多。作者開(kāi)頭從喜歡科幻片入手，中間穿插了一段很尷尬的“分不清是電影還是未來(lái)”的迷之思考，最后硬著陸在了大數(shù)據(jù)和人工智能上。這個(gè)素材選擇得很不理想，大談仿生機(jī)器人可能有點(diǎn)太曲線救國(guó)了，畢竟這位同學(xué)申請(qǐng)的是數(shù)據(jù)科學(xué)。文章的主體段落部分包含了作者本科第一學(xué)年的編程學(xué)習(xí)，第二學(xué)年的一個(gè)課堂案例學(xué)習(xí)，大三的大創(chuàng)項(xiàng)目，創(chuàng)業(yè)設(shè)計(jì)，還有一段無(wú)處安放的交換經(jīng)歷。隨后，用兩句話思考了數(shù)據(jù)科學(xué)和人類幸福的關(guān)系，然后畫風(fēng)一轉(zhuǎn)落腳到自己的APP開(kāi)發(fā)經(jīng)驗(yàn)，總結(jié)道面對(duì)bug要耐心。素材的選擇太多太雜，對(duì)過(guò)去經(jīng)歷的反思和總結(jié)太少，堆砌感太強(qiáng)。

結(jié)尾一小段糅合了相關(guān)課程，學(xué)習(xí)目標(biāo)，職業(yè)規(guī)劃，還有why school why program。內(nèi)容太多太亂，又都是蜻蜓點(diǎn)水式地草草收筆，對(duì)項(xiàng)目的認(rèn)識(shí)和表態(tài)也缺乏誠(chéng)意。

本篇PS的文章結(jié)構(gòu)非常簡(jiǎn)單粗暴，基本是按照時(shí)間線來(lái)排列。經(jīng)歷的排布也沒(méi)有邏輯，不同的經(jīng)歷混雜在一起，段落內(nèi)部缺乏中心思想，段落之間的邏輯和聯(lián)系也不明顯。語(yǔ)言水平就不多說(shuō)了……

針對(duì)以上問(wèn)題，在跟同學(xué)深度溝通后，我對(duì)這篇PS進(jìn)行了“整容式“修改，上文章！

As everyone can agree, big data has taken the business world, but only 0.4% of data have been analyzed, according to a report released by IDC. This simple fact shows the tremendous potential and great possibility in the realm of data analysis. Big data is a revolution in the information age. It can be applied to many fields, like medical care and education, to make our world better. Holding a strong belief in big data’s formative power in the future, I am applying for the MSc programme of Scientific Computing and Data Analysis at Durham University.? Given my solid academic training and related practical experience, I am confident that I will learn and thrive in pursuing a master’s degree.

修改思路：以數(shù)據(jù)行業(yè)的一個(gè)基本事實(shí)作為開(kāi)篇，體現(xiàn)申請(qǐng)者的閱讀廣度，結(jié)合作者原本放在文章后半部的關(guān)于數(shù)據(jù)科學(xué)和人類幸福的思考，體現(xiàn)申請(qǐng)的利他思維和價(jià)值觀。點(diǎn)出相關(guān)背景，直接清晰得陳述申請(qǐng)?jiān)V求。

I embarked on my undergraduate studies at the XXXXX Institute of XXXX University with a focus on Business Intelligence. The course, Database Applications and Principles, opened the door to the new world of data analysis for me. There was a case study that impressed me so deeply that I still vividly remember it. Diapers and beer are always put together for sale in supermarkets, because after mining and analyzing a large amount of transaction data with data mining technology, it was unexpectedly discovered that the most purchased product along with diapers was beer. I was deeply surprised and amazed by the power of big data through this small case. In order to better prepare myself to understand big data, I paid full attention to my course work, especially in computing, coding and mathematics. My hard work won me a precious opportunity to study in Taiwan as a student representative of my school. This different teaching and learning environment broadened my thinking and motivated me to explore more. A series of classes such as Big Data Management, Statistical Analysis, and Financial Data Analytics deepened my understanding of data analysis and data mining.

The reward of my studious work goes far beyond having a presentable GPA: being able to apply what I have been taught in practice gives me a great sense of accomplishment. In the year of 2016, I joined a provincial innovation and entrepreneurship program, and worked in a team on a smart home project. I was in charge of the design and development of a smart switch. I embedded a chip into a switch to give it wireless communication, power consumption sensing and environmental detection capabilities, and then developed a mobile app. Users can use this app to remotely control the switch and monitor the power consumption. The mobile app can provide user-friendly reminders and customized power optimization solutions based on intelligent analysis of power consumption data, and recommend solutions for energy-saving decisions to achieve energy-saving goals. This project has given me a taste for work that requires an innovative mindset, and has confirmed my determination to create great products which will make real differences in the future.

中間主體段落以學(xué)術(shù)背景和實(shí)踐經(jīng)驗(yàn)來(lái)對(duì)申請(qǐng)者之前散亂排布的經(jīng)歷進(jìn)行區(qū)分。前者體現(xiàn)學(xué)術(shù)興趣的來(lái)源，相關(guān)課程背景，交換經(jīng)驗(yàn)，于字里行間體現(xiàn)申請(qǐng)者認(rèn)真努力的學(xué)習(xí)態(tài)度和習(xí)慣。后者實(shí)踐經(jīng)驗(yàn)包含大創(chuàng)和APP開(kāi)發(fā)經(jīng)驗(yàn)，體現(xiàn)相關(guān)實(shí)踐背景，和學(xué)以致用的職業(yè)追求。

To achieve my objective, pursuing studies in the United Kingdom is a crucial step. I wish to possess a global perspective, and to obtain solid academic training in data science through master’s-level studies, so as to lay a solid foundation for my career as a data engineer. I have selected the MSc programme of Scientific Computing and Data Analysis at XXX University. Firstly, I believe that erudite professors will be of great help to my accumulation of knowledge. Secondly, the MSc program attaches clear importance to both data analysis and computing science. I believe that a decent foundation in computer science is a must for a professional in data analysis. Last but not least, your school enjoys a worldwide prestige with students around the world converging here to pursue professional growth. These excellent fellows are valuable resources, and to exchange ideas with them is an opportunity to treasure for a lifetime. Hence, I sincerely hope your esteemed committee can offer me this precious opportunity.

結(jié)尾段落主要圍繞自己的學(xué)習(xí)訴求，并結(jié)合項(xiàng)目的特點(diǎn)對(duì)自己的訴求進(jìn)行匹配，回答why school why program的問(wèn)題。 最后一段如果同學(xué)能更細(xì)致深入得挖掘?qū)W校的師資配備和在研項(xiàng)目的狀況，能夠更加清晰有據(jù)地說(shuō)服招生委員會(huì)。

尾聲其實(shí)類似這樣的修改，我做了很多。如果有朋友覺(jué)得這樣的對(duì)比分析有幫助的話，我還可以貼出更多的修改前后的PS文章。其實(shí)在寫這篇回答的時(shí)候，有同學(xué)跟我說(shuō)沒(méi)有多少人愿意了解PS是怎么寫的，因?yàn)榇蠖鄶?shù)人還是傾向把寫作這件事情交給了別人代勞，一方面可能是時(shí)間緊張，留學(xué)申請(qǐng)有太多的環(huán)節(jié)需要照顧，另一方面可能就是畏難情緒，對(duì)自己的能力不夠自信，再一個(gè)原因可能就是懶惰了。我想說(shuō)的是，學(xué)習(xí)寫好PS其實(shí)鍛煉的是終身受益的英文寫作技能。我們且不說(shuō)課程論文和作業(yè)需要我們能寫會(huì)說(shuō)，想在海外實(shí)習(xí)工作也是需要寫Cover Letter的，即便你回國(guó)工作，進(jìn)入企業(yè)總得會(huì)寫郵件，寫英文報(bào)告，策劃等等吧?？偠灾?，我們不應(yīng)該狹隘得看待PS寫作的價(jià)值。

以上就是關(guān)于【撰寫留學(xué)申請(qǐng)個(gè)人陳述時(shí)的常見(jiàn)誤區(qū)】的解答，如需了解學(xué)校/賽事/課程動(dòng)態(tài)，可至翰林教育官網(wǎng)獲取更多信息。

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